1. "I should really learn to make an omelet."
2. "I need to get that haircut because I look like an amazon woman and people are starting to stare."
3. "Oh gee, my stomach...it's looking a little like a stuffed potato. Time for that post-holiday tone-up. Can I still call it "post-holiday" if it's basically March? Yes. Yes I can."
4. "Did I just say, 'oh gee'? Mental note: do not say this out loud"
5. "If I'm ever a mom, I will never be joining a mom's group. NEVERRR *echo echo*"
6. "I should move to Kentucky" closely followed by, "nah you won't make it and if you do you'll most likely be disappointed. And poorer than you are now."
7. "Lady who just beeped at me for pulling out of a driveway, you make it really hard for me to be like Jesus."
8. "Why am I such a perfectionist? I hate it"...*purposely moves vase of flowers off-center on the table*
"Ok, I'm crazy. There is something wrong with me."
9. "Dear God, you still love me today right? Even though I think mom's groups are annoying and I hate money and get defensive and sometimes squirm at accountability because I just really want to be perfect and good at everything, okay? Yuck. I'm sorry. Amen."
This is embarrassing. But these are the things I think. Because I really just want to get to a place where I'm ok with myself and, for goodness sake, make an omelet.
But if there's one thing I'm learning these days is that my brain has this default setting and when I wake up, the voice starts. It's like sitting within the four walls of my mind and putting the needle to the record player and all I'm hearing are words like the ones above bouncing off one wall to another.
And really, I'm sick and tired of it.
It's a lovely thing when we realize that we don't have to sit in that room anymore. We can switch the record player over to an old Billie Holiday vinyl, grab a mug and a good read and sit outside and think on better things.
Things like how we're loved despite our quirks and awkwardness and lack of domestic ability. Our hearts are tended to by a Loving Hand, broken as they are. And if we're honest, broken is how they come.
I don't mean this to be yet another post that we've all undoubtedly read about "loving yourself" or "acting like a daughter of the King" or "How to Build Self-Esteem, Memorize the Book of Romans, Skydive, and Be Better than Julia Child in 5 Easy Steps".
I'm just saying friends, we can choose something else. We can choose to say, "I'm not thinking that today because it's not who I am." and move on with our day, leaving these thoughts with a "better luck next time."
Meanwhile, I'll be working on that omelet. Fax me some recipes.
