.when you're confused because aren't the holidays supposed to be the best kind of days?.

It's either very late or very early. 1:05am to be exact. And I've been warned that writing past midnight can lead to regretting your words when the sun rises.

But in these early morning hours, I've been thinking. And so, I've been writing. They go hand-in-hand for me most times.

I was thinking about a couple of days ago, when most of us gathered around tables laden with food and family and gave thanks for all that's been given to us.

That word "all"....hmm

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18

But what about when grief is what we're given? And when the night before Thanksgiving is the sleepless kind?

In all honesty, this Thanksgiving was a difficult one for me. For my brother. For my Dad. And last year's as well.  It's been almost two years since  my Mom passed away and I've been missing her in a way that I can't really put words to. Since then, I've realized that giving thanks in all circumstances can look different and in fact be wholly apart from laughter and gathering around a table.

I'm suggesting thankfulness can look like honesty and that's part of why I'm writing this here.  We give thanks to God in sharing our story of what He's done and all He's yet to do. In sharing what He's allowed for, and the fact that we may not be ok with it. 

And that just because we're not ok with it, doesn't mean He's thrown in the towel.
Or turned and walked away.

Sometimes that's all we have to bring to a table filled with food and family and thanks. 

I know what it's like to feel guilty for not feeling all that thankful because shouldn't I have more faith than that? 

I'm hoping that this brings comfort to the reader,  who doesn't really know what to do with themselves and their story at this time of year.

There's room at the table for you and I. Let's give thanks for simply this.

.when you're "the good church girl", but sometimes want to apologize for that.

last night was Sunday night, which means it was youth group night, and that is such a sweet thing.

it's sweet because I get to spend a couple of hours with some of the best kids in the world and that is no exaggeration, friends.  They are fantastic.

Part of my time there is devoted to a certain group of high school girls that pretty much have me by the heart. They are so gosh darn funny and wise in so many ways and I am so privileged to be able to sit there with them and hear their stories as their small group leader.  I use the word "leader" loosely because I have this theory that us youth leaders are basically just kids with fancy folders and attendance sheets.  And that's a good thing. It keeps us humble.  It keeps us listening for God....to let Him speak through us because if we're honest, we have nothing worth saying to these kids apart from Him.

During our small group time last night, the conversation turned to what they think some of the people at their public school or at work think of them as Christians, or Christians in general.  From more than one of them I heard the words "goody-two-shoes" right alongside the words "hypocrite" and "judgemental".

What are we supposed to do with that? Those words seem to be on opposite sides of the spectrum and yet are often placed one after the other when people reference Christians and Christianity.  I asked them what they thought of that and the word we came to was "misunderstood"....but not without good reason.

This led to deeper conversation about legalism, churches parading with their picket signs screaming "hate" in God's name, or less-than-gracious words from the mouth of a Christian towards someone seeking hope and healing rather than a lecture.

These things make us wary of the word "Christian"...because we don't want them to think we're "those" Christians.

Do you ever feel the need to apologize for being "the good church girl/guy" because you don't want to be at all compared to those people with the contorted faces and picket signs?

I admit, I've heard the "good girl" remark thrown my way before.  And it kind of makes me cringe.

I feel the need to defend myself and be like, "oh well, I mean, I really do love Jesus, but I don't hate people and I don't only listen to KLOVE and I've made mistakes, trust me. Please be my friend?"

We don't want to be misunderstood.  We don't want to be "extreme". We want to be seen as people with personality and feelings and a brain who love and know our God, not self-righteous, Bible-thumping robots who have a strong dislike for anybody who doesn't know John 3:16 or all the books of the Bible in order or who Martin Luther was minus the King, Jr....yanno what I mean?

These are the hard things.
and we need Jesus.  we need so much of Jesus and His wisdom because there's a fine line between being in the world and not of it.
And let's be honest, we all want to be seen as normal.  And we don't want labels.

The conversation went on for a long while last night, and I'm so glad it did.  It was real and these ladies were so brave in the things they said and the discussions they brought to the table. They are some smart cookies.

And we might always be called "the good church kids", but I think if we know our God, we can show our God to those who would call us that, and maybe it will become a term of endearment rather than a label.
It also kind of makes for a good band name, so....

::

Lord God, give us your heart.  give us wisdom in the hard things.

.quoted.

              :jonathan safran foer:

.NO HOLD THE PHONE THAT'S MY THING!!!.

so I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now sipping on my first red Christmas cup of the season and enjoying it immensely (also just realized I don't know how to spell the word "immensely", thank you spell-check).
A minute or two ago, a duo was singing to me in French over the speakers and I was thinking how nice that sounded.  Everything sounds better in French.  Say "mud" in French and it's beautiful.
This song was refreshing because usually Starbucks plays some eclectic mix of old school hum-drum bands like Fleetwood Mac (no offense to Fleetwood Mac, I LOVE Fleetwood Mac.  Go Stevie Nicks Go!) and super indie, hipster, so-far-under-the-radar bands that you're not even really sure exist.  So for Starbucks to throw in a surprise like a French song was really nice.

Anyway, as I was being serenaded I was thinking about this one really ugly feeling I got while reading a blog post recently.  I love reading blogs so this is not an uncommon occurrence. Now let me tell you, I don't know this girl from Adam, but going by her blog she seems super sweet, loves Jesus and is beyond domestic...like if Martha Stewart and Julia Child somehow had a daughter, but not in a weird creepy way, but for sake of analogy way. Yes. So. In this particular post, she was doing a really great job of writing about the ways she was making tracks to accomplish her ultimate dream, and I was super excited for her because I think we can all get on board with people accomplishing their God-given dreams. But then, she named her dream. And all of a sudden, out of the blue, like a ton of bricks I was like "WAIT HOLD THE PHONE THAT'S MY THING!!!  THE GALL, THE NERVE, THE AUDACITY!!!!"

In that moment I was quite literally distressed that someone else had a dream that even closely resembled mine.  I felt threatened.

ugh. ew. GROSS. double gross. I mean really, Sabrina.
yes, I refer to myself in the third person when I'm distressed. Anyway.

I started talking to God about it and I told him, "wait God, I thought that was our thing, our thing together.  I thought I was special. I thought I was unique.  I thought this was just you and me and my dreamsss!"
and God was probably like "My child, why are you hyperventilating..." or something of that nature.

The thing is that I am way caught up in trying to be one unique individual.  So unique and individual that every dream I have has to be so gosh-darned out of the ordinary that everybody says "what a unique individual, I never in my life would have thought of that. SHE IS SO COOL!!"

Yeah also gross.  That's the face of my ugly pride, people.

At the risk of maybe not having as many friends after this post, I figured it was a good idea to write about this if only for the mere fact that it's out there.  It's out of my head in writing and forces me to consider the real condition of my heart.  And to be that much more thankful for Jesus and his constant work in my life.  He held a mirror up to my heart in that moment, exposing my pride, vanity, and envy, and gave me the opportunity move forward & grow a little more from it. He's faithful like that.  And this mess of a girl is thankful.

whew.  I don't really know how to end these types of things, but let's just say that my red Christmas cup is emptied of it's eggnog latte deliciousness and another oh-so-hipster indie band is serenading me.  ok bye, friends.