:when you'd like to have had your life together by about 8:07am...yesterday:

I have this lingering fear of getting it wrong. 

I also don't like to be wrong. Because, pride.

And this is one nearly impossible combination.

It's been this way for what seems like forever, but the weight of it became heavier as a girl stumbling her way through her teens in off-brands and braces and I've carried it in varying degrees ever since. 

I've spent long days and nights talking to myself about this. Although, David was more poetic about it millions of hours ago:

"Why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?..." {Psalm 42:5}

When I've used these words of his to talk to the person in this skin, many of the answers that have echoed back to me have not been specific. It's mostly just been, "you're afraid. Like, all the time."

It's hard to get honest with people about that fact because the inclination tends to be to make sure others think you're alright.  Whether it's for your own sake or just so that they won't come up to you with some variation of "why the long face?". Being honest about fear and fear of failing and fear that maybe we've gone down the wrong road is a deeper conversation that better lends itself to about 3am when inhibitions are lowered and the sun hasn't risen enough to shed light on our solemn faces. And everybody's afraid of something, so why make it a thing?

Right? Yes? 

We've gotten good at avoiding these conversations in the daylight. There's much we can put our minds and hands to so that when others take a curious glance, they would see just enough to say "they're ok". We'll find a good angle, take a photograph, and share it on the .com. We'll take up a cause, run with it, and hide behind it too. Or maybe you'd find us filling our planners with plans for today, tomorrow, and 2 months out so that we can look at them and know we're wanted. Somewhere. 

In distracting ourselves, we have momentary relief from the whirlwind in our minds that always seems to beg the question, "...but what if I'm wrong and this is all wrong and I should be there instead of here?" It's become the self-medication that we most often reach for and there's enough for every dose we require and plenty to go around. 

It's also a thief, almost as much as fear is.

Distraction invades all of the space we've been given to acknowledge these questions and fears of ours. It also prevents us from taking them to others and laying them before our God, all while paving the way for unresolved pretense. 

In a society where pretense reigns supreme, whether we know it or not, the desire for authenticity is inherent in us. We are most ourselves during the dinner with friends sans lipstick and hairspray, sitting on the porch steps with our spouse with a pot of coffee and no place to be, or when we're in a place safe enough to say "I am not ok and actually, scared shitless". We are most ourselves in those moments when we can forget ourselves and our manners and say aloud the things we say to our souls at 3am. 

I've begun to realize that fear is not the problem. Fear has the ability to motivate us and send us running back to what we may have long-forgotten about, namely who our God is. And who He has always been for us, even while we've been headed for the hills. 

The culprit is all of the ways we duck-and-cover. It's exhausting and at the end of the day, we're just left with our pride and momentary ways of dealing with what will still be there waiting for us tomorrow.

Let's save ourselves the aggravation. And then maybe have some breakfast for dinner.

.adventures in sitting.

This weekend I have done more sitting than in recent memory.

Sitting alone.
Outdoors.
Indoors.
In a hammock.
Under an arbor
On a back porch

With nothing but a glass or mug of something bittersweet in one hand paired with like memories in the other.

It's easy to sit with your work, with your laptop, with your to-do list, with your phone, with your foot bobbing up and down.  But to sit still, with no point and nowhere to be, without clinging to the modern day definition of productivity.  That is a feat.

I find sitting adventurous simply because of how little I take part in it.  And it can be more frightening than scaling a mountain because of the space it makes.  Space that can be inhabited by recollections or resistance to whatever may be around the corner. By prayer and the words we never took the time to say to ourselves or to someone who's no longer around to hear them. Here we can take stock of the hours we've spent that tick away faster than when we were kids with sticky fingers and nothing but time.

I let my phone die this weekend more than once.  And the feeling was one close to relief when the time of day on the homescreen dropped out of sight and my ringtone and the wi-fi couldn't find me.

It's amazing the amount of time I've put into being perceived in just the right light.  How many of those minutes turned to hours on social media, in the workplace, among newly made acquaintances, all spent painting a canvas with a variety of different brushes and strokes so that it would come forth as a well-rounded, educated, enlightened, and informed piece that appeals to the eye and offends no one.

Sitting doesn't allow for this.  And when your days mainly consist of creating something for everyone, it's hard to make time for that which requires nothing of you but your restless self.  It's sacred space really.  Because how hard is it for us to believe that we're worth just as much when immobile as we are when we're handing a thirsty child on the other side of the world a cup of cold water?  And all because we were called "good" a long time ago by the God who meets us in that terrifyingly unproductive space that is so foreign.

We can sit and rest in this.  Bare-faced in a hammock somewhere where our habitual, hurried ways won't find us.

.today I hid behind a sass-mouth coffee mug and other things that won't talk to me.

This has been one of those weeks that has had a lot of like-whoas. And one too many unexpect-eds.

Do you ever feel like you're half a phone call/text/Facebook post away from laying down in the middle of your living room floor (or whatever room you so choose) with a "NOPE" sign on your forehead, the small print stating, "Sorry for the inconvenience, but I gave up on this week. Check back on Monday."

Sometimes, you can have faith, hope, and love, but your brain's not really keeping up with these things at the moment, and this is just how it is.

Between two dear friends of mine making unexpected trips to the hospital, running out of gas on the freeway by IKEA (don't ask if it was open because it wasn't) and almost every other word I've glanced at being either a hand raised or a fist lifted at the law of the land, there's a lot that could be said about the last week.  But I won't say it.  Because I'm not really sure what to say.  And I'd rather hide behind a pile of books and a sass-mouth mug.

It's the truth you know, when I feel overwhelmed, my tendency is to hide behind inanimate objects and think too much.  For better or for worse.  And that fact is never more apparent than during weeks like this.

Control can be an interesting thing.  It's kind of a tease because usually we think we have it in sight, and it won't turn its back or leave us high and dry, but mostly it's just an allusion and confuses us, kind of like a 7th grade crush who we were sure would take us to the dance. But didn't. Because that was just his way.

So why is it that we (or "I"...am I alone in this?) are shocked over and over again by the fact that God, that people, that life, won't just come to our senses?

I do not know.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

One thing's for certain is that we live and breathe in a time of uncertainty.  But isn't this really how it's always been?  From hospital visits to running out of gas to politics to opinions to fads to whatever Buzzfeed's going to be writing about tomorrow, and so on and so forth.

Among all the uncertainty, and at times chaos, there will always be a lot to learn.  

And right alongside it comes that many more opportunities to listen.  

Shame on us if we have forgotten this.

Beneath all of it--perhaps buried is a better term--there is Truth that can be stood upon.  

Maybe digging it up means getting up off the living room floor and grabbing the Folgers/Intelligentsia/Pour-over/fancy-brewing-whatever along with two sass-mouthed mugs, and losing sleep in order to have some late-night conversations about those things that are probably keeping us up at night anyway.

I'm not willing to give up a full 8-hours over anything less.

.on Swedish scissors and minding my own business.

I pinned a pair of Swedish scissors to one of my Pinterest boards yesterday.

I can't say I even knew there was such a thing. Until yesterday. When I pinned it. Because they were pretty. And Swedish.

There's probably some deep psychological explanation as to why I feel the need for Swedish scissors when they do the same thing as American scissors. (American scissors? Sure.)

All I know is that when I pinned them, I wanted them. 

I want a lot of things.

Today was one of those days, when most of the day was spent griping about this and complaining about that. A grown-up tantrum is probably a better way to put it. And these can be uglier than tantrums that littles throw, starting with the fact that we've got a broader vocabulary and some 4 letter words and we can't chalk it up to our 4-year old issues. 

Because that was like 20 years ago.

Most of this tantrum was regarding things I don't have, but really want. Things I feel like I've been waiting a little too long for, things that haven't changed, relationships that have yet to heal...and at one point I definitely was all, "God, really? Why are you so mean to me?!"

Dignified, I know.

One thing I've realized is that things get really ugly when I stop minding my own business. It's when I start looking around and seeing other people's "Swedish scissors" when I'm stuck with boring old Fiskars from the 5th grade that aren't even hipster or vintage, just old Fiskars, maybe with some dried glue on them. Nobody wants to be holding Fiskars when the Swedish Scissors are at the next table over. 

Somewhere between pinning scissors and calling God a big meanie I started thinking about the Apostle Paul and his contented ways.

"...for

 I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:11-12

What I gather from this is that Paul stopped looking around, kept his eyes on his God, and was a little too busy minding his own to be comparing himself to his neighbor, brother, sister, prison-mate, or what have you. He was on to something. He still is, friends.

This passage came to mind today and it was a very timely word heard over my inner kicking and screaming.

This doesn't mean that my list of desires has gotten any shorter. There are things these hearts of ours want that are good and right and beautiful. One thing that's fabulous about God's word is that it reminds us to put those things in their rightful place which is right back in those hands of His that tend to these hearts of ours if we'd only look at Him and remember it. Paul knew this. We know it too. 

And we don't even have to trade in our Fiskars.

.homeward.

we look for rest in circumstance.
we look for rest in ability.

but You, our friend.
we really just want to be with You.

but we can't comprehend it.
this thing called Eternity.
and we can hardly comprehend love unconditional.
and so we ask, while we are here, is there really no rest for the weary?

we catch glimpses in our mind's eye,
of You with us, as promised,
and in all that reminds us of Home,

a solitary spot in the back of the house
the floorboards that creak under our feet,
newspaper ink on our hands,
kin around our table,
and the way that our loved one holds their cup of coffee.

You make Your presence known to us,
in that way You tend to do,
some of which we only see upon reflection.

in laugh lines
groggy-eyes
the clink of glasses
wooden spoons in hand
laughter down the hallway

we see in silhouettes only,
a bit about where we are headed,
and still You are so much more.

the sun on our backs is You pushing us forward,
homeward,
nearer to our rest.

Until then, we are intent on finding You here, in the lowliest of places,
content to see You in fragments only.

We'll find You in the frames above the mantel,
in the words on a dog-eared page,
in our family names,
when the dishes are piled high in the sink,
during the long goodbye's at the back door.

And You will meet us there as well, right where we are.

.reflections on the long way around.

Learning lessons can be slow in coming sometimes. And getting off the beaten path can be easier then staying on the one set before us.

Maybe it's because I have a tendency to tell myself that my own way of doing things is like "trailblazing". Which is embarrassing because it's mostly like stubbornness.

But see, when you're the "trailblazer",  it's easier to call it all an adventure and call it a day, then to call it being lost and call for help.

And so if you were to take a look in this rear view mirror of mine, you'd most likely find me taking the long way around.

Either heading in the wrong direction. 

Or heading in the right one and everything's just taking a bit longer.

--

The thing about choosing the long way around, is if it's headed in the wrong direction, you don't get very far.

It goes in circles and is filled with rough patches of pride and isolation and lots of walking along trying to prove something to yourself. Or to somebody who's probably not even paying attention. 

It's when the map has been laid out in front of you, but you refuse to look because you want to take a different route. You're convinced you know the lay of the land and there's a compass in your pocket, so what more could you possibly need? 

And usually, you find yourself right back where you started. 

Been there.

--

But when you've been led through the long way around? Well, then it feels a bit more like a long story.

There's times when you're walking in the sun and it smells like autumn and you can see what's in front of you. The road is smooth and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have a Companion who knows what He's doing, so you don't have to.

And there's times when you turn a corner and the terrain isn't as forgiving. The sun's gone and you've got a twisted ankle and some questions for that Companion of yours who's lead you here. 

And you're mostly just weary. 

So you check the map again, but find that this is exactly where you're supposed to be.

This road, however long, will always be headed in the right direction. 

--

And It's at the mile markers, when you can take a look back and tell that story about where you've been.

It's the kind that will mingle with the stories of others. And so you'll want to tell it bright-eyed to your best friend over a glass of wine or to your folks when your standing in the kitchen in your socks, or to those someday-grandkids who aren't around to hear it yet and probably won't want to hear it again when they are around.

Because you'll have already told it a hundred times. 

It's the kind that doesn't have a "long story short..".  And you'll re-tell it to yourself too, over and over again over the years, long after your twisted ankle has healed and you've had a good night's rest. 

You'll get perspective and it may look a little different farther along.

But all in all, it will always be a good story about the miles of ground you covered. Because it's been in good Hands.

And you've lived to tell about it. 

.the ugly cry-laugh thing.

I turned 23 back in April.  And that was a really big deal for me.

I know, I know.  

23 is not old, and it's not 25 either...I can't even call it a quarter-life crisis. dammit.

I guess I'd liken it to an awkward cry-laugh.

You know those times when you don't know whether to cry or laugh, so you just kind of cry a little, then laugh because maybe life is a little too ridiculous at the moment, then eat some chips & guac or what have you, then cry-laugh a little more?  

That's been 23 for me so far.  I guess you could say it would make for a good parody of T.Swift's "22"...someone should write that.

This isn't to say that being 23 has been all bad or even mostly bad, 

just different. Very. different.

By this point I've realized how little I know about what I thought I knew a lot about.

Like life, for instance. 

After I left a big city Bible college about 

2 years ago, there were some earth-shattering circumstances that occurred, one right after the other, and I started to realize that I didn't know as much as I thought about life or being a Christian for that matter. And in full disclosure, I became anxious, depressed, and apathetic. But I hesitated to call those things by their rightful names when talking to others (or even when acknowledging my own story) because I thought I was better than that. Until...23. 

It's a strange feeling when you really start to see you for exactly who you are and name the places that you've been and start to say, "Yes, I've struggled with this."

"Yes I'm a Christian, and I struggle with anxiety."

"Yup, I'm a Christ-follower and I struggle with depression."

"Uh-huh, I can be a pretty apathetic believer in Jesus...you too? Awesome. Not that that's awesome, but let's talk

about it."

It's a chaotic combination of terror and relief. Kind of like a good cry-laugh. But getting honest is the best part. The healing part. The part that changes your perspective and forces you to wrestle with life and faith alongside some solid people who will ask you the hard questions. 

I have been surrounded by some amazing people who have been doing just that and are quick about helping this girl to get a firm grasp on her 23 year old self, either by saying "This is good" or "This is not good and needs to go." They keep it simple. I can recall a friend who basically told me as I was tearing up over breakfast food, "You're not believing the truth...that's dumb."

Thanks.

But you know, it's refreshing, and I think it's actually one of the greatest things, to have friends like that. The ones who will tell you over a plate of comfort food or a hot mug, "This isn't you. This isn't what you should be believing. Duh...but I love you." 

I never was very big on "community" up until life started happening at a ferocious pace beyond anything I could control. Then I realized how weak I was. Alone. By myself. And that's a great place to be really, because it makes us realize how much we need people. And they can help us say all the things we were too afraid to say in the first place. 

Like how it's easy to call my stubbornness "conviction", when really it's just stubbornness dressed up in it's Sunday best.

Or how I sometimes dismissively say, "Psh, this person is..." when, in some ways, I was just like that person not so long ago. 

Just to name a few.

These are the ones who give us permission, and often the words, to call something what it is. And it's something everybody needs.

All this to say, I'm 23 and might not be so good at it, but I am happy to have the people who are in my life with me right now who I can cry-laugh with from time to time. 

I'm also becoming more grateful to be in a place where I just don't know about a lot of things. I've found more freedom in saying "God, I just don't know right now and I'm kind of angry and scared about that." rather than "God, I've got this, I've totally got it and look, I'm not even crying about it." 

This kind of freedom makes the "I don't know, but I'm trusting..." plan not just a 23-year-old thing, but an all-life-long-99.9-year-old thing. And I sincerely hope I'll still have some good friends in wheelchairs playing Scrabble with me someday saying, "don't be believing that...pass the letters."