.when you're confused because aren't the holidays supposed to be the best kind of days?.

It's either very late or very early. 1:05am to be exact. And I've been warned that writing past midnight can lead to regretting your words when the sun rises.

But in these early morning hours, I've been thinking. And so, I've been writing. They go hand-in-hand for me most times.

I was thinking about a couple of days ago, when most of us gathered around tables laden with food and family and gave thanks for all that's been given to us.

That word "all"....hmm

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18

But what about when grief is what we're given? And when the night before Thanksgiving is the sleepless kind?

In all honesty, this Thanksgiving was a difficult one for me. For my brother. For my Dad. And last year's as well.  It's been almost two years since  my Mom passed away and I've been missing her in a way that I can't really put words to. Since then, I've realized that giving thanks in all circumstances can look different and in fact be wholly apart from laughter and gathering around a table.

I'm suggesting thankfulness can look like honesty and that's part of why I'm writing this here.  We give thanks to God in sharing our story of what He's done and all He's yet to do. In sharing what He's allowed for, and the fact that we may not be ok with it. 

And that just because we're not ok with it, doesn't mean He's thrown in the towel.
Or turned and walked away.

Sometimes that's all we have to bring to a table filled with food and family and thanks. 

I know what it's like to feel guilty for not feeling all that thankful because shouldn't I have more faith than that? 

I'm hoping that this brings comfort to the reader,  who doesn't really know what to do with themselves and their story at this time of year.

There's room at the table for you and I. Let's give thanks for simply this.

.when you're "the good church girl", but sometimes want to apologize for that.

last night was Sunday night, which means it was youth group night, and that is such a sweet thing.

it's sweet because I get to spend a couple of hours with some of the best kids in the world and that is no exaggeration, friends.  They are fantastic.

Part of my time there is devoted to a certain group of high school girls that pretty much have me by the heart. They are so gosh darn funny and wise in so many ways and I am so privileged to be able to sit there with them and hear their stories as their small group leader.  I use the word "leader" loosely because I have this theory that us youth leaders are basically just kids with fancy folders and attendance sheets.  And that's a good thing. It keeps us humble.  It keeps us listening for God....to let Him speak through us because if we're honest, we have nothing worth saying to these kids apart from Him.

During our small group time last night, the conversation turned to what they think some of the people at their public school or at work think of them as Christians, or Christians in general.  From more than one of them I heard the words "goody-two-shoes" right alongside the words "hypocrite" and "judgemental".

What are we supposed to do with that? Those words seem to be on opposite sides of the spectrum and yet are often placed one after the other when people reference Christians and Christianity.  I asked them what they thought of that and the word we came to was "misunderstood"....but not without good reason.

This led to deeper conversation about legalism, churches parading with their picket signs screaming "hate" in God's name, or less-than-gracious words from the mouth of a Christian towards someone seeking hope and healing rather than a lecture.

These things make us wary of the word "Christian"...because we don't want them to think we're "those" Christians.

Do you ever feel the need to apologize for being "the good church girl/guy" because you don't want to be at all compared to those people with the contorted faces and picket signs?

I admit, I've heard the "good girl" remark thrown my way before.  And it kind of makes me cringe.

I feel the need to defend myself and be like, "oh well, I mean, I really do love Jesus, but I don't hate people and I don't only listen to KLOVE and I've made mistakes, trust me. Please be my friend?"

We don't want to be misunderstood.  We don't want to be "extreme". We want to be seen as people with personality and feelings and a brain who love and know our God, not self-righteous, Bible-thumping robots who have a strong dislike for anybody who doesn't know John 3:16 or all the books of the Bible in order or who Martin Luther was minus the King, Jr....yanno what I mean?

These are the hard things.
and we need Jesus.  we need so much of Jesus and His wisdom because there's a fine line between being in the world and not of it.
And let's be honest, we all want to be seen as normal.  And we don't want labels.

The conversation went on for a long while last night, and I'm so glad it did.  It was real and these ladies were so brave in the things they said and the discussions they brought to the table. They are some smart cookies.

And we might always be called "the good church kids", but I think if we know our God, we can show our God to those who would call us that, and maybe it will become a term of endearment rather than a label.
It also kind of makes for a good band name, so....

::

Lord God, give us your heart.  give us wisdom in the hard things.

.quoted.

              :jonathan safran foer:

.NO HOLD THE PHONE THAT'S MY THING!!!.

so I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now sipping on my first red Christmas cup of the season and enjoying it immensely (also just realized I don't know how to spell the word "immensely", thank you spell-check).
A minute or two ago, a duo was singing to me in French over the speakers and I was thinking how nice that sounded.  Everything sounds better in French.  Say "mud" in French and it's beautiful.
This song was refreshing because usually Starbucks plays some eclectic mix of old school hum-drum bands like Fleetwood Mac (no offense to Fleetwood Mac, I LOVE Fleetwood Mac.  Go Stevie Nicks Go!) and super indie, hipster, so-far-under-the-radar bands that you're not even really sure exist.  So for Starbucks to throw in a surprise like a French song was really nice.

Anyway, as I was being serenaded I was thinking about this one really ugly feeling I got while reading a blog post recently.  I love reading blogs so this is not an uncommon occurrence. Now let me tell you, I don't know this girl from Adam, but going by her blog she seems super sweet, loves Jesus and is beyond domestic...like if Martha Stewart and Julia Child somehow had a daughter, but not in a weird creepy way, but for sake of analogy way. Yes. So. In this particular post, she was doing a really great job of writing about the ways she was making tracks to accomplish her ultimate dream, and I was super excited for her because I think we can all get on board with people accomplishing their God-given dreams. But then, she named her dream. And all of a sudden, out of the blue, like a ton of bricks I was like "WAIT HOLD THE PHONE THAT'S MY THING!!!  THE GALL, THE NERVE, THE AUDACITY!!!!"

In that moment I was quite literally distressed that someone else had a dream that even closely resembled mine.  I felt threatened.

ugh. ew. GROSS. double gross. I mean really, Sabrina.
yes, I refer to myself in the third person when I'm distressed. Anyway.

I started talking to God about it and I told him, "wait God, I thought that was our thing, our thing together.  I thought I was special. I thought I was unique.  I thought this was just you and me and my dreamsss!"
and God was probably like "My child, why are you hyperventilating..." or something of that nature.

The thing is that I am way caught up in trying to be one unique individual.  So unique and individual that every dream I have has to be so gosh-darned out of the ordinary that everybody says "what a unique individual, I never in my life would have thought of that. SHE IS SO COOL!!"

Yeah also gross.  That's the face of my ugly pride, people.

At the risk of maybe not having as many friends after this post, I figured it was a good idea to write about this if only for the mere fact that it's out there.  It's out of my head in writing and forces me to consider the real condition of my heart.  And to be that much more thankful for Jesus and his constant work in my life.  He held a mirror up to my heart in that moment, exposing my pride, vanity, and envy, and gave me the opportunity move forward & grow a little more from it. He's faithful like that.  And this mess of a girl is thankful.

whew.  I don't really know how to end these types of things, but let's just say that my red Christmas cup is emptied of it's eggnog latte deliciousness and another oh-so-hipster indie band is serenading me.  ok bye, friends.

.this one time I met a story-teller. (a reflection on one thing I learned in September)

"You're only 22?!  Well then, the world is your oyster, dear."

She said it just like that, too.  Like it was from a book she'd read that morning.

This month I found myself on a trip in a purple Jeep sitting next to a woman who'd be over 80 if you were counting the years to her name, but under 30 if you weren't counting at all.

To hear her, you'd think she was a 20-something about to embark on a life that could only be described as "wild", "free", and "for goodness sake, fun".  

She refers to herself as a gypsy and a vagabond who's grown-up children can't understand why she won't just hunker down in Illinois and be an every-day grandmother already.  

"They don't understand me," she said.  "They never have...and I'm moving to Scotland, you know."

She has these plans.  Lots of them. 

Palo Alto, California was where she began her one long adventure.  An  ESL teacher to elementary school students, she later joined the Peace Corps and moved to Hungary. She spoke of an elderly woman she'd met there who didn't speak a word of English, but would wave to her from her window with a smile every morning as she walked down a back street to work. 

She went on to talk about her time in Wales with her mother's family, and an Easter Sunday she spent with a Greek Orthodox family in Santorini, Greece.  She laughed thinking back to a gentleman at an old pub in Ireland like she'd been there yesterday. 

And Jerusalem, it was a favorite of hers.  

"The man at the desk at the hotel wasn't sure if I'd like the room they had for me because it was so small," she said, "but when I looked out the window, I had a view of the temple, so I said it would do just fine." 

Her eyes lit up when she said that, and so did mine.

As we continued to drive, she continued to tell about her travels and those people she'd met along the way, and I marveled that she'd done it all in less than a single lifetime.  

We stopped at a gas station for a break and she took the hand of the lady behind the counter and asked how her day was going. "I didn't want her to think we'd just come for the restrooms..." she said.

It was something.

And it made me wonder what exactly it is I'm waiting for.

Here was a woman who is unmarried and 4 times my age....and if there's anything you can be sure of, it's that she is moving to Scotland.  She told me so 3 times.  I believe her.

And you know what?  She doesn't wait for anything.  When she wants to go somewhere, she goes.  And if she's not going anywhere, she's not waiting around for anybody or anything.  She's holding the hand of the woman behind the gas station counter, or chatting with strangers at the Starbucks where my brother works, or making sure she meets her quota of 8 hugs a day because it's good for you and that's her only reason. 

This September had a theme running straight through it.

It's funny and interesting and honestly, a little scary when God want's you to hear something.

Because he makes sure you hear it loud, clear, and almost all the time.

This month I heard it from a pastor, heard it from a friend, read it in a magazine article, and saw it in an 80-something vagabond moving to Scotland...

I don't have to wait.

Yes, there are things I'm waiting on.

But I have a choice to move in the waiting, I don't have to wait until they happen to move.

God is not waiting.

He is moving.

He is working a plan and lifting our heads upward.

He is moving us Homeward........and that is far from waiting.

Although she probably won't ever read this,  I am so thankful for this story-telling gypsy grandmother who reminded me to stop waiting and keep moving.  Because that's how we get Home.

"Today there's sunshine and company, so I am blessed"

                                                                         --Jeanne

.dog days. (10 things I learned in August)

1. Red nails are for Cali weddings and Illinois living.
I've never really been the girl who gets her nails done bright red.  But when my best friend and I sat down at the nail salon to get manicures for her wedding I decided that day was the day.  So I picked out that shade of OPI called "Got the Blues for Red" and haven't looked back.  Still haven't taken it off.

2. They grow up.
And by "they" I mean those sweet girls who've been in my high school small group.  It has been an amazing privilege to watch them grow in the Lord and to be a part of their lives every week for the last two years. There were goodbyes last month as they started their new adventures at colleges far away and I'm going to miss them, but so excited to see what God's got planned for them in the coming months.  It's something spectacular, I'm sure.

2. I really need Him to be the one who manages the time in the day.
I really need Jesus to be the one who is directing the hours of my day because when things get too busy I panic a little. or a lot.  It's so easy to see time as something we can control with planners and to-do lists.  But those haven't worked for me.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to make sure daily responsibilities are accomplished and that things get done.  I've just realized that I can get so caught up in what needs to get done that I forget to invite God into my day and give Him the reins to guide me through it. He's there anyway, He's in control anyway...I might as well rest in that and give Him the hours to use me in the ways He wants to.

3. "Lowland Hum"
"Lowland Hum" was new to me this August and a welcome addition to my playlist.  They are a folk band with a little bit of a twist.  Here's the link if you'd like to check them out...it's well worth your time I think.    http://lowlandhum.com/about

4.  My collection of coffee mugs now exceeds the space available in the cabinets.
This one's self-explanatory.  And very much a first-world problem.

5. Even if a movie is filmed in your hometown, it doesn't mean you are going to like it.
Last month I saw the movie "At Any Price" thinking that it was going to be great because it was filmed in Sycamore and Sycamore is great.  Which is Sabrina logic, I guess.  I also remember some of my friends commenting on how  the main actors, Dennis Quaid and Zac Efron, frequented the bars and restaurants around town where they worked (even the Farm and Fleet) and how great they were to talk to.  Also contributing to my Sabrina logic.  So my brother and I were super excited to see this movie, and about 10 minutes in we were almost simultaneously "ugh"-ing.  It was just so, so sad. And kind of gross.  And then sad again.  But I did see my high school and Sycamore Speedway in some of the scenes, which redeemed it a little.

6. "Boyfriend" jeans can be your favorite jeans.
Ever since the "boyfriend" jean became a thing, I've been looking for a pair that fit and looked halfway decent.  Well I finally found a pair at Target that fit well, are comfortable, and they just might be my favorite pair of jeans that I own.  This is quite a feat, superficial I know.

7. California really is everything they say it is...but the Midwest still has this heart of mine.
My best friend's wedding was in California last month (see #1) and it was the most beautiful wedding I've been to.  It was outside on her new husband's family's ranch tucked away down a 2 mile dirt road in the hills of San Luis Obispo County and really....does it get better than that?

 It was the first time I'd ever been to California and it is one breathtakingly-beautiful place.  The temps are perfect, the ocean's on one side with mountains on the other, and the sun sticks around all day.  It's what everyone says it is and most people warned me that I might never come back.  But when the weekend came to an end, I was ready to be get back to the Midwest.  It's home.

8.  Woodstock, IL has a new chocolate shop and I'm already a fan.
For those of you who have never been to Woodstock, it is one happy place.  It's a sweet little town on a square with cute shops and one wonderful bookstore.  Recently added is a chocolate shop called Ethereal Confections.  It looks amazing, smells amazing, and the people who work there are beyond friendly.  If you are a lover of chocolate I highly recommend it.  Below is a picture I took with my phone's camera.  If it looks this sweet from a picture, I need not mention what it's like in person. :)

9. Learning to trust, trust, trust.
This may be a word that's overly used in our vocabulary, especially when it comes to a relationship with God.  "Just trust Him," people say.  "Trust that God knows best," still more say.  And I do believe He does.  But sometimes my heart feels differently.  I want to control outcomes and sometimes find myself wishing that God would come to my senses rather than resting in the fact that He knows me and knows the whole story and has plans of His own that I don't see or understand.  But He does.  I found myself in more than one situation last month where I had to learn to preach this again and again to myself, "Trust Him....in all things. Trust Him".

10. "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks will always make me cry.
I keep waiting for the day when this song doesn't make me tear up.  But it always does, no matter where I am. I heard it several times in August and learned that it probably always will.  It was one of my Mama's favorites, and one of mine too.  Thanks Stevie.

.good-bye July. (cheesy titles and 10 things I learned in July).

Let me just start off by saying that I dislike very much that the title of this post rhymes.  It's cheesy.  but I've also had only one cup of coffee. So I'm asking for some grace.

Anyway, I've started this exercise, for lack of a better word, where every month I take a look in the review mirror and look back on the last 30 days or so.  I've been quite inspired by other bloggers who have done this and it's changed the way I've looked at my day-to-day life, namely that there's really no such thing as day-to-day living.  We have our daily responsibilities, activities, laughs, and minor/major freak-outs.  But in those everyday things we have the chance to take a moment and thank God and maybe have another laugh about that one time when you tried opening your front door with your car key (i'm not naming names here).
So, this is my taking-a-moment....

1. What even happened to July?  I do not know.  This month I learned that the older you get, the faster July (and really every month) will go.

2. The 4th of July is not as much fun when you're minding your own business and suddenly glowing pieces of firework are falling around you and your family.  When Grandma's panicked about her lawn chair going up in flames, you know you sat too close.

3. July 13th was my Mama's birthday and I learned that the best way to celebrate is to spend some time with a llama.  She wouldn't have had it any other way.

4. Sometimes you think cornbread is a corn dog, when really it's just cornbread. this one's for you, Aunt Carm.

5. Hope and my plans and God's time are all very much in His hands.  It's one of those "all the time, every time, never-ending" things He does. In July, He taught me this all over again. Sometimes, I'm a very slow learner.

6. I learned that my on-again off-again relationship Coca-Cola is officially on- again.  All through June I was doing really well with my water bottles and such.  But come July,  he was back in my life.  He knows I'm sentimental and that I associate his red can and fancy lettering with summertime memories.  Plus, I really like hot dogs. And Coke goes really well with hot dogs.  So. This is what happens.

7. My grandmother had hip surgery and I learned all over again that she's superwoman.

8.  My brother and I went to our first major concert together (how lame is it that it's only our first?) and I learned that he is my favorite concert buddy.  and just my favorite in general.

9.  Sometimes waiting on the Lord does a number on you...but He is always worth our wait.
"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!  Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"

10.  Having breakfast in the morning changes my outlook on the entire ever-loving day.